I spent my morning in bed reading half-finished projects and blowing my nose. I like boundaries, but I also like transparency and I haven't shared anything here in a long time, so I continued this piece from almost three years ago and I just am going to leave it here and let that be okay. WRITTEN OCTOBER 2016: I didn’t realize I had built a wall around myself until I started dating a bearded man on the other side of the country. We spent hours on the phone sharing and over-sharing. He … [Read more...]
Halloween and Un-Halloween
I really loved October 31 when I was a kid because my family celebrated Halloween by uncelebrating. Growing up in an apocalyptic religious cult means holidays are … interesting. Halloween was the devil’s holiday. Obviously. There would be no costumes. No trick-or-treating. No jack-o-lanterns. Not even a “harvest party.” Even so, I lived for Halloween. My best friend’s family would come over with candy and snacks and her crew and my crew would pile into the downstairs living room … [Read more...]
Plastic, Braces and Mindfulness
I signed up for invisible aligners (ie: braces) two weeks before I decided I was going to cut single-use plastics out of my life. I have banished so much plastic from my home and my habits—all while wearing plastic aligners on my teeth. The absurdity is not lost on me. Disclaimer: I am cautious not to become a purist or a zero-waste evangelist. I have alienated too many people too many times just by sheer enthusiasm and I am not inclined to do it again. I want to see more people reduce their … [Read more...]
Writing, Anxiety and Cheese
The last time I wrote here was almost a year ago—the day my Gramma died. I don't really process my life unless I'm writing. Writing about Gram was necessary that day last March. Writing and sending it out into the world gave me space to grieve. Gave me a place where others said things like, "I've been there, too" and "thinking about you." But since then, I have sort of ignored the processing part of my life. I still write notes and scribble ideas, but I haven't sat and really torn it … [Read more...]
To Gramma, With Love
Gramma wasn't particularly cozy. She didn't snuggle and she never spoke softly. She shouted and she read lips. She would hug and kiss you and then ask about school and work and tell you to eat a snack or something. She was intimidating. And I respected the hell out of her. She died this morning and I found out at 9 a.m. At 10 p.m. my brain stopped hiding from the pain and I haven't stopped crying. Grief can be a real asshole. I've been missing Gramma for a couple years … [Read more...]
Dear America, You Screwed Up.
Dear America, You did this to yourself. You built this nation on stolen land. You built it on the backs of slaves. You deserve this. You deserve to see what your racism and sexism and xenophobia have created. But do you know who doesn't deserve this? My black nephew. My immigrant neighbors. My trans coworker. My gay friends. My very first roommate. My very first crush. The black man I just went on a date with. My best friend's husband. Every person who has a vagina. We … [Read more...]
Chance The Rapper + Feminism + Faith
I do not go to shows anymore unless I for sure have an assigned CHAIR. The idea of pressing into a dark, sweaty and horribly loud venue with hundreds of we-are-barely-even-adults makes my skin crawl. How did I get this old? But last Sunday a friend posted that he had Chance the Rapper tickets. This was the exception. If I had the opportunity to just be in the same room as CHANCE THE RAPPER I needed to seize it. Let’s rewind a minute: I like music. Sometimes I even love music. I … [Read more...]
A Baby. A Business. An Existential Crisis on Pause.
I had to put my summer existential crisis on hold this year. Usually August and September fill up with questions about why I am here and what am I even doing with my life? I wander into churches and bookstores trying to find answers. I start squirreling away my tips and planning international adventures and announcing I am finally REALLY going to work on my book. I often start questioning all my relationships and asking obnoxiously deep questions of my friends. This year all of those … [Read more...]
A Good Man. A Single Woman. A Parking Lot.
I met Mike in a grocery store parking lot. Well not really. Let's start that over. At 8:30 in the morning I went to the grocery store to buy white conditioner and lemons to turn my periwinkle blue hair back to gray/silver like I had intended. (Did you know you could do that? Fix blue hair? It's magical, I tell you.) The lot was nearly empty and I whipped into the parking space too fast, but so did the man in the green Saturn pulling in quick beside me. I thought I recognized the man … [Read more...]
Feelings + Netflix + Being Numb
I spend more hours than I would like to admit watching Netflix. Actually, I don’t even watch TV—I listen to it. I have learned something about myself: I do not like to be alone with my thoughts. Please do not confuse that with a fear of being alone. I love to be alone. I love having my space all to myself without the sounds of another person breathing nearby or doing the dishes or humming to their headphones. I love to be alone. But I don’t do so great in the silence. In the … [Read more...]
I Gave Up Church for Lent
I gave up attending church for Lent one year and I never went back. That’s not really true, but it sounds better than the truth. The truth is Sunday services and I had a slow break-up and I am giving myself space before we reconcile. I had just gotten accustomed to liturgies and ancient spiritual practices when I stopped making the walk to church on Sunday mornings. I fell in love with Ash Wednesday and Lent and The Book of Common Prayer and Passing the Peace of Christ. I fell in … [Read more...]
A Tribute to My Very First Roommate [To Adessa, with Love]
Today is the 30th birthday of my very first roommate and the only thing this silly writer has to offer on a rainy February afternoon are words ... Adessa, I owe you big time. I owe you for teaching me how to back down and how to suck it up and how to love people even when you don't want to. Dess and I have now known each other for 11 years. Longer than most of my current list of friends on Facebook. Come to think of it, we met the same year Facebook was created. We were official before … [Read more...]
Car Accidents + Dating + Nutella
Tonight I am in bed before 8 p.m. and eating my feelings. Sometimes the only distraction from a bad day is my fluffy bathrobe, a jar of Nutella and a bag of salt and vinegar chips. Because today, I crashed my car. If you have known me for more than 20 minutes, then you know this is not the first time. You probably know this is not the worst time, either. I could explain what happened, but it’s not really worth it. In my life I have a whole lot of people who think I can … [Read more...]
My Angry Hip
Some nights I crawl into bed early and pray for dreams in which I am also sleeping. There is no greater joy than to dream of sleep, don't you think? Too often these are the same nights when my angry hip is shouting profanities and getting into fights and the ruckus keeps me from drifting into the slumber I so desperately crave. I really just want to sleep, damn it. I swear to you my hip is angriest when I need sleep the most. She shouts loudest on nights when I have already biked to two … [Read more...]
commence end-of-summer-meltdown
I need to be dressed and headed out the door to work in 5 short hours and I am nowhere near the point of falling asleep. ( The seven people who actually read this blog will know that my sleeplessness always leads to blogging rants, meltdowns and word vomit—I'm sorry, friends. ) It's nearly September—the time when anxiety and stress settle heavy on my shoulders like the wool coat I'll be digging out of the closet soon. After scanning old blog posts I discovered a sad little pattern in my … [Read more...]