I think we do a disservice to children by feeding them only fairy tales.
Hold on, don’t stop reading, let me explain.
Don’t get me wrong, I love fairy tales and happy endings and knights in shining armor, and dragons to slay and magic and wonder.
But I’ve been thinking about the classic fairy tales. They teach kids, especially girls, to romanticize everything. Ever notice how every fairy tale goes a little like this: boy meets girl, boy rescues girl from evil (dragon, witch, wizard, you name it), boy marries girl (or kisses her or rides off into the sunset with her), they live happily ever after.
One: I really do think some people need a hero. Sometimes I think I need a hero. Rescuing someone is good. Sometimes. (Sometimes even the prince needs rescued by the maiden——scandalous, I know.)
Two: Not everyone needs a hero. Some people need a partner. Sometimes, there is a dragon to slay, but it would be easier with two people wielding hefty swords, not just the prince and his dagger.
Three: Marriage is good, and honorable, and lovely. It is a commitment I fully intend on participating in if I ever get the chance.
Four: Marriage seems like hard work.
Five: I’m all for happy endings, but weddings aren’t the be all end all. Who decided they were? That’s a load of crap! And I love weddings. But “happily ever after” is so ambiguous. They lived happily ever after doing WHAT? My guess is they lived happily ever after slaying more dragons, having children and teaching them how to slay dragons. Arguing and making up. Building castles and training animals. Learning to love more, better, differently. My guess is that there are new homes and jobs and adventures. My guess is that LIFE keeps happening. That life is changing and evolving and frogs are becoming princes and heroes are being made. And sometimes it’s really really hard.
But we don’t tell that part.
And we don’t tell kids that happily ever after doesn’t START with a wedding. What if it starts after graduating from college? What if it starts the day you apply for a P.O. Box and realize, “Wow, I’m a real adult.” What if happily ever after starts when you find the community you want to call home? What if it happens when you decide to laugh instead of cry?
What if we told children not to worry about happily ever after?
What if we told them to pursue today?
What if we told them they don’t have to romanticize everything?
What if romance isn’t all there is to life?
Because, seriously people, we all know it isn’t. I’m a romantic. I want to have a companion to slay my dragons with me.
But until then I still get up and go to work, and play with my friends, and wash my dishes, and slay my own damn dragons. And you know what? I think my happily ever after started already.
And when it’s not so happy, well, screaming helps.
Love four and five. It’s true, a good marriage takes work and having someone to slay dragons with you and not FOR you. My husband thinks the world ruins women by telling them to fall in love with Romance and not real life and relationships. Cause it’s far from easy. I just told a single friend last week, “marriage is 50% bliss and 50% wanting to commit murder.” I don’t want to give any a false impression about what I believe has been the #1 refining process in my life thus far. Is it worth it, absolutely! But life and happy endings begin before the “I do.”
This is what I think about “happily ever after” – that we never really reach that point until the very end. Fairy tales are a happy story usually meant to make certain points, and most of those are wholly inacurate. My own theory is that a fairy tale is written as a backlash to daily cynicism, perhaps to balance and encourage the disheartened. What I do know after 25 years of marriage is that it is not bad to have a hero, or a champion, or a best friend who’s got your back. This should be your spouse. When dating, it’s a great thing to challenge each other, but also to experience the taking a stand to defend each other. It is likely there will be opportunities to share when there are enemies to fight (dragons to slay). The most important aspect of any marriage is committment though. For two people who are committed to each other, they can work everything else out. A committed spouse does not cheat, does not demean, does not drag down, but they see a greater interest in the health and happiness of the other. That’s what I think. 🙂