I’m exhausted these days. I’ve taken on a few too many projects all at once and I’m feeling it in my wonky hip and my heavy eyelids and my heavier heart.
I say yes because I really do believe in these things and I really want to make them shine.
I also said yes because secretly I hope that at the end of the project there will be someone grinning and saying, “You did it! We’re so proud. You are incredible.” Yeah, lame, I know. I know.
Pardon me, but this blog post is about to take a very self-indulgent turn:
Maybe you don’t know this yet, but I’m a words of affirmation kind of girl.
That means I kind of need to hear “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” “You’re funny,” “You’re smart,” “You’re talented,” etc. If I’m ever going to feel good enough, strong enough, loved enough then someone is going to have to tell me.
That’s all well and good if I were average in pretty much any way besides my height. (In global proportions only. In North America I’m just short.)
My need for affirming words makes me just like a whole-lotta-other-people-out-there, really…
But it seems these past few years I’ve been needing more than I realized. Maybe I’m just making up for lost time.
I’m making up for the time when I brought home a report card with straight A’s and was told, “Well, that’s just boring. It always looks like that.”
Or when I scrubbed the kitchen—light-fixtures to baseboards—and received a, “Didn’t anyone think to dust the blinds?” (Since when did anyone in our house EVER dust the blinds?!)
Or, “You know you’re singing flat right?” (No, I didn’t. But 12-year-olds don’t often have perfect pitch. I may never sing again.)
Facing criticism isn’t new. Pretty much everyone I know has a story like this. What you don’t know, is that I am as sensitive as an eyeball—one tiny eyelash and all hell breaks loose and the floodgates burst open.
Why don’t you know that?
Because I contain my tears to my bedroom almost exclusively.
In front of the world I just say YES a lot and hope I don’t let anyone else down.
And when I can’t go much further, well, sometimes screaming helps.